THE ANATOMY OF RELATIONSHIP
October 28, 2009I sat alone by the garden at my aunt’s place. The wind broke in my pores, sending chills throughout my body. Only the stars illumined the sky, casting a pale light to where I was.
With the wind, the branches quivered, so did my soul. I was touched by the serenity that engulfed me. I had to keep my silence for one moment. That single moment lasted long.. Long enough to accommodate many thoughts.
The night went on. And the quietness evoked something.
While many things preoccupied me, I can only submit to the lessons of that tranquil night. It was a time for solitude especially as my heart was needing rest. I needed some time off from all that disturbs my peace… all that pains my heart… all that confuses my judgment… and everything that obscures my true vision. I needed that moment to reconstruct my goals and to know the things that should truly matter.
The thoughts that flooded in surprised me and I wanted to capture them so I would never forget. Amidst all that distracts me, something that night made sense:
Of what is partner?
We look for a person who is going to be our twin soul. Some have found the one they feel entwined with their hopes and dreams, while others are still in constant search. So what does having a partner mean to me? Being with someone is like finding another reason for a conversation… its finding another place to enjoy the walk…it’s feeling inner peace that even in the great silence there exist a conversation that only the heart knows.
What about when such partnership goes awry? Then perhaps no matter how special the other person is and how much willing you are to love him (her) more, it makes sense to let go because you know that you deserve to be loved back much better. While he has his needs for belongingness, you know for a fact that you also desire not only physical but also emotional intimacy.
To find the person who complements who you are is like finding another set of shoes to begin the journey with… towards growth, completeness and hopefully, contentment.
If your partner impedes your growth as a person, limits your world and defines life for you from his own perspective and dictates your heart to keep down its voice for the sake of holding the relationship together, or for by his actions you realize that he cannot be your solace, find the strength to set free. Free yourself from consenting to a life you are not meant to live because despite the many concepts about love, romantic relationships normally should make one happy and at peace.
Relationships are never perfect of course. But if there are more dead silence than heartfelt conversations between lovers, more heartaches than laughter, more indifference than belonginess, or when you feel alone despite your togetherness, when you cry alone and he’s out there somewhere unaware of your own pains, try to let go of the hand that ‘s never meant for you to hold for long.. It is all right to sacrifice because there is no perfect match but sacrifice for the right reasons.
Do not settle for something less than what’s enough. Love sometimes is selfish because it wants exclusivity. And there is nothing wrong with that because it says something about commitment. Loving, however, is also a selfless act. And being selfless is not forgetting oneself or one’s needs, but a person in love recognizes that apart from himself there’s a separate identity whom he is willing to compromise. Desire someone who is willing to step out of himself so he can also pay attention to you: what makes you happy or what brings you pain. He steps out of himself so you can meet halfway, blend your dreams and be able to grow with you.
Having a partner means finding the person you feel connected with, whom you’d go through life’s difficult times with when the good vibes falter and there is discord. Because you still know that he (she) is your other wing. And life would not be as exciting without the other person because in him (her) you have found a special reason to look at life with a little more glare. Thus life becomes a little bit reasonable, a little bit grand, a little more tolerable because you have each other. And you grow tall together.
After all, growth is an essential element in human relationships. Love draws in something positive – that is a resounding fact I know. If someone pulls you together and makes sense out of your life, then you have found your Home. But if you degenerate because you are in love with someone, perhaps it makes sense to say that it is not worth nurturing. Therefore, not worth your time.
"MY BOYFRIEND IS A SUPERHERO"
October 21, 2009
I am an artist. I have special skills. With the strokes of the brush, I can create a masterpiece. I don’t only paint, I sculpt. From a lifeless bar of clay or a dull, cylindrical candle, I can create a nude woman, a mother and child, a man’s beautiful body. Suddenly a fluid figure comes out from a meaningless form. They all come to life because I have the gift of expression. My art can tell a story of pain, of passion, of freedom, of a lively imagination without a single word. I am an artist and artists make the normal extraordinary.
My boyfriend, though, does special things — extraordinary things that even I am not capable of. You know why? Well, he makes extraordinary kids live normal lives as much as possible. An extraordinary job, I must say!
My boyfriend, Stephen, is a SPED teacher. He specializes on children with special needs, children who are now called “mentally challenged.” Eight hours, he devotes his time helping kids handle their daily activities, as well as assisting parents cope because childhood disorders place financial, social and emotional strain to families.
Every weekend we stay at the Center for an hour before we go for our usual date. He wants me to appreciate the kids and understand his work. That is because I sometimes get jealous of the time and the passion he allot to his work. It’s really irrational of me to complain but I’m just a woman in love and, well, women in love get jealous, sometimes, right? I always tell myself I need to respect his work just as he respects my passion.
“That’s Dominique,” he said, pointing at a little girl at the corner of the room.
“What happened to her?” I asked while looking at the child purposelessly moving her hand.
“She has RETT’S SYNDROME. She was normal after birth but she started to regress between 5 months and 4 years. Now her ability to communicate is impaired and her social skills are poor,” Stephen explained to me.
“She seemed scoliotic, isn’t she?” I asked after noticing that her trunk movements are clumsy.
“You will also notice when she walks that she has unsteady, wide-based, stiff-leg gait. She even does toe walking sometimes. Often, you will notice her teeth grinding, her repetitive hand movements like hand washing, hand wringing, hand mouthing, tapping and clapping.”
“Honey, if her mental growth and development are impaired, what happens when she reaches puberty?”
“Well, she would still undergo normal sexual growth and development. Although, sometimes, even if masturbation is a normal act, it happens in inappropriate times. So parents should learn to modify this behavior in public,” he explained while giving me a silly look.
“Her feet is rather small, hon.”
“Yes, children with Retts have small feet and they have poor circulation in the lower extremities so their feet are often cold, bluish-red. Usually, they suffer from equines (downward pointing of the foot) and valgus (heals are together and the toes are apart) and pronation. No cure for this one, hon.”
We moved closer to a little boy named Noel, whom he said is a case of ASPERGER SYNDROME. This disorder, he said, is same with autism but less severe in which the child also has impaired social interactions, repetitive mannerisms, and non-functional rituals. Unlike Dominique or Jacque (a case of autism), Noel has no problem with language. He has normal IQ and his language skills may even be superior to those of an average child. Children with Asperger may even function independently.
“Sofia, about 4 years old, is a case of CDD (CHILDHOOD DISINTEGRATIVE DISORDER). Last year, when she reached three, he started to regress.” Stephen continued to intrigue me.
“You mean, she unlearned skills?” Now he really got me interested.
“Yes! She regressed to a lower functional level following serious illness. Now she has lost previously acquired language, motor or social skills. She will gradually deteriorate to a severely retarded level. The thing is, it cannot be treated nor cured so she would definitely need lifelong care.
Hearing him say that really made me sad. It seemed so hopeless.
“Now this little one here is Aaron,” patting him gently on the head. He manifested impulsiveness and hyperactivity (ADHD) when he turned 4. He is now seven. There won’t be any interference with his academic performance and social functioning until middle school.”
“Heredity?”
“Yes. But it can also occur with children who do not have familial history. Sometimes, it can be caused by neurologic impairment, prenatal trauma, early malnutrition hypoperfusion of the frontal lobe and use of drugs during pregnancy. ADHD is primarily a problem with sustained attention, concentration and task persistence. He’s very inattentive, aggressive and poorly behaved.”
Aaron begins to move his legs restlessly, fidgets his hands and impulsively interrupts our conversation.
“He’s the one giving me a headache most of the time, hon. He always has temper tantrums and does not follow through requests and he forgets easily. He also has low tolerance to frustration.”
“So what do you then?”
“Well, we give him structured routines, school intervention plan, and detach modified parenting techniques. In the morning, we give him methylphenidate (Ritalin) which is a psycho stimulant, as well as Dextroamphetamine (Dexidrine) and amphetamine (Benzedine). But these suppresses his appetite, makes him sleepless, gives him depression, stomachaches, high BP and headaches. We also give clonidine, antidepressants and antianxiety drugs.”
Children with ADHD never outgrow their inattentiveness but they become less impulsive and hyperactive overtime. Some adapt well with their inattentiveness but those who could not cope up report to alcoholism and substance abuse as they grow older.
“Now those two kids over there are Justine and Julia,” Stephen pointing at the kids near the table. “They are a case of MENTAL RETARDATION, with an IQ of less than 70. It is not a mental illness, just a developmental disability.”
“Really?”
“If someone calls you moron, hon, give him a silly laugh.”
“Why?!” pinching him hard.
“Ouch! C’mon, it’s a mild mental retardation with an IQ of 50 -70 and you still are educable.” Laughing. “Then you retaliate by calling him, well, you choose: Imbecile (Moderate) with 35-49 IQ (trainable); Idiot (Severe) with 20-34 (needs close supervision); or, profound with below 20 IQ which needs custodial care.”
“I see. Of course, I’ll retaliate with Profound” winking at him with a jest.
“Normal people should have an IQ of 90-110. The borderline is 71-89. Mental retardation could be a result of a problem with trisomy 21 instead of 2 such as in Down Syndrome (Mongolism); Klinefelter (47XXY) which results in underdeveloped secondary sex characteristics like small testes producing defective sperms and gynecomastia (breast enlargement in men). It could be also caused by lack of PKU enzyme that converts phenylalanine to tyrosin resulting to accumulation of phenylpyruvic acid that damages the brain and Tay Sachs an inherited disorder of lipid metabolism causing mental retardation, blindness and weakness.” He continued.
“All we do here is to promote optimal development. We make life bearable for them and the family who needs our support.” Taking my hand, we walked towards the door out of the classroom.
“I am not saying that you love what I do honey. All I want is for you to see these kids are part of me.”
“I know.” It was really sensitive of him to say those words.
Kissing my forehead, he said “Besides, you’re going to need my patience one day when I’ve become a dad. I don’t need special kids, though. Normal kids are special enough! And mommy here doesn’t have much patience with little ones.”
“Hey! I’ll be a good mom, you’ll see.” Taking my hand from him.
“Hahaha.. just kidding. Of course, you’ll be. I knew it from the start,” slipping his arms around my waist while we walked towards the car.
“So now let me take my favorite baby to a special date.” And he gave me that smile I always loved about him.
For me, my boyfriend is a SUPERHERO.
He does special jobs for those special kids.
While I make extraordinary out of the normal,
he brings the extraordinary lives of those kids
as close to normal as possible.
