Home » Post Item » "GOGGLING FAITH"
"GOGGLING FAITH"
August 12, 2009
I keyed in “God” in goggle. It took a while before the popular internet search engine to display what am trying to find. I searched in my relationships and even inquired in the most reliable person I know, ME, to explain what God is, but it took even more time to retrieve the data in my system. I hanged. My memory ran low. I realized my system was running virtually slow these days. I need upgrading…fast. The search was disappointing-ly sad. I felt like all those I knew, all that was significant about God has become passé and deteriorating and insignificant. Why? Because I’ve never asked the question before. I’ve always been sure my heart knows exactly what He is, at least to me, or where He can be found, and who He is amid life’s complexities.
I’ve never been befogged my whole life. I could give a long list of what God means and I would never ran out of “key words” for those trying to understand the concept of a Supreme Being. And it would always perplex me thinking of those who call themselves atheist and wonder why they are so. I would ask naively if they had never met God or had there been a totally significant event in their lives they were forced to cross the boundary of faith. Even so, I would respect them but I would always be an advocate of faith and I would completely surrender to the idea of an external power that guides us all. And I would always desire people to see God like I do. In my system, key in God and the “goggle” list would instantly appear because I know Him very well deep down the bone. But things have changed over time. I have.
I have changed. I seem to have stopped discovering Him. In turn, I’ve ceased discovering my faith because life turned tough I found it hard to decipher. The idea of Him seems to less impact on me these days and I find it odd to lose the connection when I thought I have tightened the rope so it would not break off. It pains me that I cannot see Him intervening in my life-events that I feel abandoned and isolated. I used to feel comfortable with the “rocking and splashing” because I know that whatever happens, somewhere Someone is aware that the wind is blowing harder on me or the storm is drenching me so much already. And He would be there to bring calm and keep me steady. But I am scared more than ever, now that God is so elusive. And the whole idea of a God rescuing a poor weary soul, or an anchor in a storm, or a refuge for the restless have come to be empty phrases, void and null. Although I know I am wrong about that, I just can’t find solace in that thought right now.
I was prayerful all my life; I was obedient; I have not faltered at will. I tried so hard to please Him. My whole life evolved with Him. My greatest desire was to love Him the most and never regret. He was my best friend, my deliverer, my radiant smile against the shadows, my umbrella under the rain, my blanket in the cold, my approving nod amidst disapproving faces. He was my patient teacher and my highest ideal. With Him, I need not explain my life. I was assured of His constant presence and I have never felt alone and un-armored as I am now. I have known compassion because He made me feel forgiven. I’ve learned how to love because I was loved first. And even though life turns out bad in some days, I know that it will clear up because He will be there. With Him, I can stand tall …and I can face anything bravely.
He is One I would not dare offend, the One I completely would rely on and tell my deepest secrets to. In Him, I entrusted my whole life with. The One I would completely be at home and I would never be so scared of the odds that are on the way because I know I would be protected. He used to calm me when I was afraid of life’s uncertainties and I saw Him moving my path. I thought that I have discovered so much in life because He was there. I was always standing tall. But now I have succumbed in the unfriendly events and disappointing twists in my journey.
And I walk mindfully each day, trying to goggle from life. Maybe the rain can teach me, maybe the sunset can awaken me, maybe a newborn child’s smile can enlighten me, and maybe the budding flower can show me how God loves… how God protects…how God preserves. And perhaps the grains of sand or the pebbles on my feet or the angry ocean waves can lead me to an understanding. Perhaps human friendships can teach me about God’s friendship and God’s fidelity. Perhaps the sky I used to look up to every night when I try to seek Him can evoke something. Perhaps it can evoke faith like it used to. And so I force myself to rediscover and re-learn everything about Him. My system was corrupted by the virulent distortions that got in and I am trying to redeem whatever that’s left in my database. I would have to begin inputting again. I would need to start over. I would need to reprogram. Retrieve old files. I need to figure it out. I don’t want to shutdown. It might take a while before my system runs smoothly again and before the “search engine ” displays exactly what there is to know.
