TO BE HALF-DEAD

August 12, 2009

                                                                           I loved a boy in my past.

 

He was 14 when he was hit by a car while trying to follow me home. We were walking as we always do across the park towards the end of the river. It was 6 o’ clock when I saw him trashed to the street as the vehicle screeched for a break.

 

It was not his fault. He was always careful. He was always mindful. It was just that afternoon that he did not think too seriously. It was just one afternoon that a group of college brats suddenly appeared from nowhere. They were car racing and that boy’s life stopped.

 

He has been dead for years. I have lost his smile, his laughter, his silly look. It’s been four long years since I heard him whisper secrets to me, since I heard him scream my name from the rooftop of our high school building. I’ve lost a beautiful part of me when I saw him filled with blood as he was pulled from the street and rushed to the hospital. I was there when he was hooked to a ventilator, when the doctors pushed some volts on his chest to revive him. Later did I realize it was called defibrillation.

                                              

It’s been years and I still love that boy.

 

He’s not dead dead though. His in comatose. Almost gone. I can still feel him, his warm face, his beating heart, his breath. I still talk to him; tell him stories about my escapades and my suitors; share him my dreams. I still wait for his advice on what to do with my life, on how to trust another guy. I still await to hear his voice whisper my name or just for him to look at me once again… or one more time.

The doctors could not assure if he will wake up. They could only say it is possible. They explained that recovery is likely if the cause is overdose of sedative; complete recovery is possible if the cause is low blood sugar that lasted for an hour. If it is head injury, substantial recovery may occur even if the coma lasts several weeks but not if it lasts more than three months. However, if the cause is cardiac arrest or oxygen deprivation, full recovery rarely occurs if after 1 week, the person is still unable to move his limbs.

 

They said that COMA is a state of unresponsiveness that a person cannot be aroused, even with vigorous repeated attempts. Under normal conditions, the brain can quickly adjust its own levels of activity and consciousness because deep within the brainstem are nerve cells and fibers controlling consciousness and arousal levels (the reticular activating system). The brain makes adjustments based on inputs from eyes, ears, skin and other sensory organs.

 

Impairment results when the nerve fibers connecting the brain and the sensory organ malfunction, when blood flow to the brain decreases or when toxic substances damage the brain. Levels of impaired consciousness can range from reduced alertness (obtundation) to stupor (hypersomia) and to coma (complete unresponsiveness). People in the deepest stages of coma need a ventilator because the brain cannot perform essential body functions, including maintenance of breathing.

 

Head injury directly damaged the area of his brainstem that controls consciousness levels. Antiarrythmic drugs (Adenosin or Nutaphake, Amiodarone HCL or Cordarone, Lidocaine and Phenytoin) are given to keep his heart beating normally. Although, the doctors explained that sometimes, bleeding in and around the brain (hemorrhage), hematoma (accumulation of blood), tumor or pus, can directly damage the area of the brainstem as they place pressure at the site.

 

My own research led me to understand that apart from vehicular accidents, neurologic (cardiac arrest, aneurysm, infection, severe lung disorder, seizures), toxicologic ( alcohol intoxication, drug overdose), and metabolic causes (hypothryroidism, liver encepalopathy, kidney failure, extremes in temperature, hypernatremia, hyponatremia, hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia) can also lead to stupor or coma.

 

Doctors look for signs of brain damage such as Cheyne-Stokes respiration (periodic breathing from rapid to slow to none for seconds); unusual postures such as DECEREBRATE rigidity (head titled back, arms and leg extended, hands flexed, arms pronated, extended and adducted, feet plantar flexed) and DECORTICATE rigidity (plantar flexion, lower extremity internal rotation, adduction and flexion of upper extremities. arms flexion). When there is widespread loss of activity in all parts of the CNS, however, there is usually a GENERAL LIMPNESS.

 

Through the years, I have tried to understand what he is into. A year from now, I will be in medical school because I have a lot of questions that need answers. I need to know the possibilities.

 

Yesterday, I talked to my uncle who is a physician and he explained to me something about Persistent vegetative state, wherein a person is awake but devoid of conscious content. It results after severe brain damage when the cerebrum (containing thought and behavior) is destroyed, but the thalamus and brainstem (controlling sleep cycles, body temperature, breathing and heart rate) are spared.

 

In this state, a person can still open his eyes, relatively have normal sleep and wake patterns, breathe and swallow spontaneously, and may even show a startled reaction to loud noises. However, he lacks all capacity for conscious thought and behavior and he would only manifest reflex responses like jerking and stiffening. If it persists for months, recovery is unlikely.

 

Some people, though, are in the locked-in state, a condition wherein they think, but are so severely paralyzed that can only respond by opening and closing their eyes. They are conscious and the brainstem is affected but not the cerebrum.

 

According to him, Brain death is the most severe form of unconsciousness because the brain has permanently lost the ability to perform all vital functions. The person is legally dead, while the heart continues to beat. A person is said to be brain dead if he is unresponsive to painful sensation, not reactive to light, unable to breathe without assistance. Pronouncement of brain death should be made only after medical problems are corrected and EEG is done to confirm absence of brain waves and Doppler ultrasonography to determine absence of blood flow to the brain.

 

I guess, there is a part of my life that will never be bridged.

 

Sometimes, I already want to give up. My life has been half-dead, too, the day he met an accident. I have no memories of him since the day they brought him to the hospital, except that he’s lying in deep sleep. He will always be a boy in my past because, in my mind, he never grew up to be a man. I have been trying to understand how a “dead” boy can be revived, how I can pull him from that sleep and show him a world outside his bed.

 

I will pursue neurosurgery after I finish medical school because I need answers that will help me cope, hope or finally let go. I have my life, too, you see. I was not hit by a car 5 years ago, but that same day I became half-dead as he is right now because I loved him. Something in me also died that day. And just as I have been trying to wake him up, I must also revive myself.

                                    

But he hasn’t waken up. And I couldn’t reach to where he is. We have grown up and through the years, I’ve kept myself near him. This boy in my past doesn’t know me anymore.

And he does not love me, of course.
How could he?
HE NOW EXISTS SOMEWHERE I COULD NEVER BE.

DATE  WRITTEN: JAN 20, 2008

"GOGGLING FAITH"

 

 

I keyed in “God” in goggle. It took a while before the popular internet search engine to display what am trying to find. I searched in my relationships and even inquired in the most reliable person I know, ME, to explain what God is, but it took even more time to retrieve the data in my system. I hanged. My memory ran low. I realized my system was running virtually slow these days. I need upgrading…fast. The search was disappointing-ly sad. I felt like all those I knew, all that was significant about God has become passé and deteriorating and insignificant. Why? Because I’ve never asked the question before. I’ve always been sure my heart knows exactly what He is, at least to me, or where He can be found, and who He is amid life’s complexities.

I’ve never been befogged my whole life. I could give a long list of what God means and I would never ran out of “key words” for those trying to understand the concept of a Supreme Being. And it would always perplex me thinking of those who call themselves atheist and wonder why they are so. I would ask naively if they had never met God or had there been a totally significant event in their lives they were forced to cross the boundary of faith. Even so, I would respect them but I would always be an advocate of faith and I would completely surrender to the idea of an external power that guides us all. And I would always desire people to see God like I do. In my system, key in God and the “goggle” list would instantly appear because I know Him very well deep down the bone. But things have changed over time. I have.

I have changed. I seem to have stopped discovering Him. In turn, I’ve ceased discovering my faith because life turned tough I found it hard to decipher. The idea of Him seems to less impact on me these days and I find it odd to lose the connection when I thought I have tightened the rope so it would not break off. It pains me that I cannot see Him intervening in my life-events that I feel abandoned and isolated.  I used to feel comfortable with the “rocking and splashing” because I know that whatever happens, somewhere Someone is aware that the wind is blowing harder on me or the storm is drenching me so much already. And He would be there to bring calm and keep me steady. But I am scared more than ever, now that God is so elusive. And the whole idea of a God rescuing a poor weary soul, or  an anchor in a storm, or a refuge for the restless have come to be empty phrases, void and null. Although I know I am wrong about that, I just can’t find solace in that thought right now.

I was prayerful all my life; I was obedient; I have not faltered at will. I tried so hard to please Him. My whole life evolved with Him. My greatest desire was to love Him the most and never regret. He was my best friend, my deliverer, my radiant smile against the shadows, my umbrella under the rain, my blanket in the cold, my approving nod amidst disapproving faces. He was my patient teacher and my highest ideal. With Him, I need not explain my life. I was assured of His constant presence and I have never felt alone and un-armored as I am now. I have known compassion because He made me feel forgiven. I’ve learned how to love because I was loved first. And even though life turns out bad in some days, I know that it will clear up because He will be there. With Him, I can stand tall …and I can face anything bravely.

He is One I would not dare offend, the One I completely would rely on and tell my deepest secrets to. In Him, I entrusted my whole life with. The One I would completely be at home and I would never be so scared of the odds that are on the way because I know I would be protected. He used to calm me when I was afraid of life’s uncertainties and I saw Him moving my path. I thought that I have discovered so much in life because He was there. I was always standing tall. But now I have succumbed in the unfriendly events and disappointing twists in my journey.

                                

And I walk mindfully each day, trying to goggle from life. Maybe the rain can teach me, maybe the sunset can awaken me, maybe a newborn child’s smile can enlighten me, and maybe the budding flower can show me how God loves… how God protects…how God preserves. And perhaps the grains of sand or the pebbles on my feet or the angry ocean waves can lead me to an understanding. Perhaps human friendships can teach me about God’s friendship and God’s fidelity. Perhaps the sky I used to look up to every night when I try to seek Him can evoke something. Perhaps it can evoke faith like it used to. And so I force myself to rediscover and re-learn everything about Him. My system was corrupted by the virulent distortions that got in and I am trying to redeem whatever that’s left in my database. I would have to begin inputting again. I would need to start over. I would need to reprogram. Retrieve old files.  I need to figure it out. I don’t want to shutdown. It might take a while before my system runs smoothly again and before the “search engine ” displays exactly what there is to know.

 

 

DATE  WRITTEN: JULY 25, 2009

PRAYER IS POWER

Some people come to “stretch” us. Some events happen to pound us. Like a metal we stretch with the pounding. Then we get into the fire to melt and mellow,  only to bear the pounding again. Sometimes life cools down. Only to repeat the whole cycle. Only for us  to be made into the fine form we are meant to become. Here  is a prayer we can all share.

                                       

Dear God,

…don’t make me feel so bad that I should hate my life. Don’t stretch me so much,  I might grow weary and turn into a thin weak sheet. Don’t pound me too long, I might break already. Don’t immerse me to too much fire,  I might realize the dark element in me and burn in anger. Don’t make me wait too long,  I might grow restless and ungrateful. Don’t make me dream too far,  I might wander off and get lost. And please, do not dishearten me with too many of life’s complexities, I might rebel.

Please do not take me so high, I might forget the solid ground and choke with air. Don’t give me too much success, I might burst with unnecessary pride. Guard my emotions so I will not expect too much,  nor  feel so un-favored and brokenly unable to mend. Save me from my own harsh criticism, that I may see my own beautiful reflection. Spare me from too much pain,  that I might become bitter and forget that I am just as special as the others. Teach me to refine my values, and never surrender my self-respect just to compromise.  Help me bend when I need to bend. Straighten  me whenever I feel low and small.Strengthen my will and rekindle my faith, that I may reach out to the heavens when it is hardest to pray.                                                                  

                                    

Guide me in loving and teach me to love back. Help me keep my emotions on  the right track and clarify my visions, that I may walk the path I always desire to tread. The good path. The better path. The only path I know  could get to You. So grant me, I pray, a hand that helps, a heart that loves, a mind that envisions, and a chance to do what I am supposed to do.

 

Forgive me when I wane in faith, when the fire in me loses its valiant sparks, when I become disturbed  and annoyed by the threats and hurdles that keep on growing.  Comfort me when I dream too much and get frustrated and unworthy. Allow  me to accomplish whatever good that is in my heart so I can have that inner peace of doing  something beyond  myself. And please tell the world not to dampen spirits of people like me  who go  after their dreams. Guide me out of the tunnel of self-doom and rescue me when I lose hope. And teach my heart to persevere even when the world turns unfriendly and disappointing.

 

Forgive me for the darkness in my soul, for my cynicism, for my stubbornness and even for my skepticism. Forgive me for my wanderings that take me off the road. Protect me from my fears, from getting drowned in self-pity and even in too much hope in something that’s too far off. Forgive me for my  insecurities and incapacities. And talk to me please because I need you. I need you because I love you. And I love you because that‘s what I’m here for.

 

Make me brave when I am afraid, when I get frustrated,  rejected or isolated. Help me to be kind even when my own pains teach me to be selfish and bitter. Encourage me to fight fairly knowing that You will also fight for me when the world beats me unjustly. Teach make to stand up for myself when I am battered and injured. And heal me of my wounded scars and enliven my spirit to continue forward even when the climb is steep or the road is wearing me off. Help me when I am helpless, heal me when I am beaten, inspire me to do good. Intervene in my life events that I may not feel abandoned and unloved. And love me please sometimes in the way I could also  recognize it. Your ways are mysterious God  but help me connect.

 

Please don’t hide too long or let me wander too far, I might get tired looking. Allow me the chance to live my dreams and “get there” so that every pain or sorrow or hardship or disappointment could make sense to me. Allow me to find my own footprints that I may be happy. Help me find my own “place” that I may feel complete. Dearest God, help me push my boundaries that I may strive to always become better. Surround me with people who will make a better person out of me. And inspire me to pray and please  teach me how, that I may always reach out to you… be it in joy or in despair.        

"COMMUTERS"

There  are   many  things  to  write about. They  come like   manna   from heaven.   They  occur    just when   it’s   inconvenient  to  record  them.    Just like a while ago, while  I was seated in a  multi-cab,  another town’s  version of a  jeepney.  I was the  third passenger, who was  getting bored  awaiting  the multi-cab  to be full so we could finally hit the road.  And  one  by one   the commuters   occupied     the empty seats but the one in front  of me  who came in first  got me thinking.  I looked at her with compassion   but  also with intrigue. Observing her  made    all   these thoughts    flood   in.  She looked  emaciated while holding  a   plastic bag   full of    ripe bananas.  Then     she  began  to   eat  one    voraciously.  Her  eyes  sunken   and her cheeks    could  not have  been   so  noticeable    had  she  been   pounds  heavier. She looks as  if she could need  an early good night rest.  No,  I’m not  depreciating her.  I can never  look at someone  with  condemnation.  I value people with   same  self-respect. I was simply  intrigued by the story of her tired,  gloomy  eyes

                       

The other passenger  who  boarded before me  was at the far end at  my  left. She  was just behind  the  driver’s seat.  Carrying  a plastic  box that     used to be   a  large biscuit   container,   I presumed  she was  out on the  streets all day  selling bibingka, or puto or some   ”lutong bahay”  just  to have  extra cash  for  the family’s “salo-salo” later in the evening. She also caught  my attention because just  as the woman in front  of me looked as if she skipped lunch  just  to  save money,   the other  woman  at my left  seemed  more pitiful. I was really moved and deeply hurt by  this insightful  pictures  of two women who obviously have had  rough  years  of their lives.

Then the  second woman started  to open   a  plastic  full of  bread  that she must  have  brought   from  home  as a “baon”  to help  her  satiate  her  gnawing   stomach.   They both started to munch  while the rain started to pour.  And  I  just  couldn’t help myself   from being moved by  what  I was seeing   because  just before I came to the multi-cab, I had  a good  appetizing  meal  at one of the best restaurants in town.  I dined  on an  expensive meal.  And seeing them   just  filled my heart  with gratitude and I just felt  blessed.  I didn’t feel  blessed because I had more compared to them, but because a larger Power  was telling me I  should find  contentment in what I have. But  you see,   all the more   that I saw  God in their experience. The ride  was   made more dramatic    with  the presence   of two
women   in their  mid-30s  who looked  older than  their age and who
both seemed  impoverished. But they  seemed  to be uncomplaining people. They  are less fortunate, yes, but they continue  to struggle   with their lives,  working, earning, selling out  on the streets  so they could provide   for their families.

That  ride    taught  me   the virtue  of gratitude and it’s such a life-transforming  feeling that made me realize more  how fortunate  I am.  Yes, how  grateful I should be   for  not walking  under the heat  of the sun  just  to sell some goods or preventing  myself  from spending  too much  because I only earn  a day’s work and tomorrow, I would have to go out  again  and woe my  prospect  buyers just for  my family to have something to eat  by midnight. That   experience also  made me  more sensitive of others and  it reinforced my belief  that no matter  what  our  societal status is, every  person is our   equal. When we are  a bit better   than others, all the more that we have to be sensitive and respectful  of them. Our being “better”  does  not give us the right to look  down on  anyone.

I must say that it was a very inconvenient  evening  because it made me feel awful  about their condition. I can sense their pain — the pain that arises  from  lacking   so much in life. Let’s say  maybe  an opportunity for a better livelihood or  source of financial income. You can  say   just by observing them  that  life  is hard.  I   don’t bring “baon”   when I go out  just to economize.  I  would feel  awkward and  embarrassed  if  I  put  out  in public a  plastic of bananas  or a  1-peso  worth  bread  and then  eat them while others watch me. I cannot do that unless  I  went on a hunger strike  for   days!    

                                     

I remember at one   trip, there   were kids   offering   packs of fried peanuts  worth 5 pesos.  And  the old  woman  probably  at  her 60’s said  jokingly   to the insistent boy that  if she buys  the  peanuts, she wouldn’t   have anything   to pay  for the 8-peso ride! So it got into me  that she might have only   ten pesos  to cover for the ride home or  an exact fare! And  was she  dreadful  about it? No! She was okay  with it. Amazing isn’t it? That she could still manage    to laugh  about it. While  you maybe (as one of the commuters) have a heavy  pocket  full of   coins! At  time  she had  barely  ten pesos  to get home, I had my allowance  to cover  for an entire month of bearable living. Am not saying that I didn’t have  my “down moments,”  that I never went out  “penniless,” that I was always abundant  and that having “almost  nothing”  never occurred to me. Am not  saying I have never known poverty or the feeling  of lacking  or the state of inadequacy. All I’m  saying is that I was grateful to see   my blessings through others that day. It is through others  that  I appreciate more  what I have.  And  it makes me sensitive  more of what others might need. And if I can help,  then so be it.

Here’s one last thing. And it is not about a commuter. It’s about  a shopper, an old man  whom  I always see in school before. His relationship with his 80-year old wife  is just amazing.   He is just as old as her but   because of his love he  would  still  drive his “padyak,” a tree -wheeler  “bicycle”  so  that she wouldn’t  walk  while they  sell  snacks  in the campus.  One day, I was shopping  and  HE SAW ME and he  asked me if  where   can  he get a chocolate “hello” pack because  his  wife loves it very  much. And so, I pointed to him where  to look  and I overheard him asking  the saleslady  if he could  buy  only  two bars as he could not  afford the  80-peso pack. He was declined  of course!  I was paying  already for my  groceries then as  I was looking  at him while he continues to bargain. I don’t know  but I guess,  I just loved the couple   well enough   to think  twice of getting  the  whole pack of  chocolate. “Tatay”  came to the counter and  I told the cashier to charge it on me.  The old man said he’ll buy only  twp pieces  from me  as  has nothing to pay  for everything, I just said it’s my birthday so it’s my gift. I was just  so moved by his passion to please  his wife that when  he couldn’t find the same   chocolate  from the nearby grocery, he kept on looking  until  he  came to the store  where  I was. And he blessed me and I left the place hurriedly because I do not want  people seeing me   do stuffs  like that.  Anonymity is genuineness. It was enough to know that  some people are made happy  because of a  little  kindness.

They were blessed, yes! Because God  wanted to give them something through me. But was I blessed, too? Definitely!.  I walked out from the grocery store, overwhelmed   with good feeling.     And the feeling   was of peace  and joy  of  acting on a  Divine  prompting. And  God used them and their “need”   to reach to me and bless me  with  an opportunity to do good. Now I know  more clearly  that  I have  an eye  for people’s  needs. I “see” people. Before,  I used   to hate the feeling  of “seeing”  people  because it hurts  me especially when I couldn’t respond when  I feel helpless myself. Now, I see it as a gift. Not many  people has this gift of sensing silent pain, of seeing untold needs.

Who  would  have thought  that I, among  many people,  would be   approached by  the old man? Who  would have thought  that  God  would put an extra 80  pesos  in my pocket  so I could buy  this old man’s grocery? Who  would have   thought that  I would   spend  two birthdays   in a year? Yes,  I  gave the same couple  groceries on my real  birthday prior to our  second meeting  in the  grocery  store. They  were  the couples I wanted to treat that day but when the old man saw me  in the grocery store, he never recognized me  as the same  person he met months ago. It did affect me, human  as we are we want   a bit of recognition, but I snapped out of it soon. Who cares if no one remembers or  knows? It is enough  that  both sides have been blessed: Mine  and theirs.

                           

And  so we are all commuters  in this thing called  LIFE. We  encounter   people along the  way. Some we meet  once,   others  we  ride with  again.  Have  you ever   prayed for those you ride with in a jeepney or bus?  I used to do that often when I was younger. I look  at   everyone  who joins me in my ride  to  school or   home  and say   a silent   prayer  for  each of them.  They  did not  know. And I don’t  know  how  those prayers  affected their lives. All I know is  that those prayers were  heard.

DATE  WRITTEN: jUly 17, 2008