EXPERIENCING SAGADA

Sagada. So much has been said about it but those who have been there certainly have varying experiences. I would say, mine was of a different story, too. Before the summer finally ended, my friends and I endured the rough terrain on our way to what they call “Off the Beaten Path.”

Going to the Mountain Province was the farthest we had so far been and am especially glad to have tagged along. The pine trees, lofty mountains and rice terraces undoubtedly left a mark in us and for as long as our memory would serve us right, there will be imprints (in our minds) of the panoramic view along the trail and into the heart of Sagada. And just as we boast of having captured the view in our cameras, it was the place that, in truth, enchanted and took possession of us in awe.

The  trip via Banaue to Sagada exhausted us but thrilled us at the same time. It also rewarded us the fulfillment of having lived that inspiring experience. After an 18-hour travel from Manila, we finally reached the municipality of Sagada before dark on a Saturday afternoon. I could see that I was not the only one “beaten” by the ride.

At first sight of the town made me feel a bit disappointed though. Sagada as a tourist attraction did not measure up to my expectations. It was a small town with locals and there was nothing new nor exciting about the place. It was a commonplace and I thought I came all the way just to see a simple town that did not look interesting.

But I adjudged Sagada too quickly and it was rude of me. We rested awhile in the Sagada Guest House before we went to see the Echo Valley where overlooking were hanging coffins. The next morning, off we went to find the secrets of the forests and savored the rich greenery and the serenity of the century old burial sites. We sought for solace and I, for one, found my heart peaceful.

That day, we travelled the trails to the Sumaging Cave, one of the most popular caves in the area. On our way, where it probably took us 20 minutes, there were pine trees with their daunting height. At the right, beyond the cliffs, we had a wonderful view of the valleys and plateaus. They were magnificent mountains and rice terraces, accentuated by the colors of robust trees and rich brown soil.

It was as if I was looking at autumn with the blend of orange, brown and green. It was a masterpiece of the Divine: the trees, the ricefields and the mountains were beautiful just as they are. It was a simple forest and planting field but it was not a commonplace after all. It was a sanctuary where I imagined nymphs and fairies dwell, where fireflies abound and the soft breeze and morning mist were the spirits of the woods.

Barefooted, we descended into the cave and in it we witnessed unorthrodox display of stalagtites and stalagmites and many other rock formations. It was a new sight and was pleasurable indeed. Sometimes, we had to immerse into the cold water just to get across.

Roaming, we touched the rocks and I could feel there is life in the walls of the cave. There were fossils among the rocks and they breathe some significant history. I have learned that the cave was created by water erosion. We no longer pursued the underground pool nearby because it was too dangerous to do so. Emerging, I know that I will never touch everything in that cave again and the rumbling waters will forever echo in my mind.

 We proceeded to the burial sites, one of which was just along the road and the other farther on the other side. It was amazing to see a different way of burying the dead and I admire natives who had thought of it. I also learned that the locals before bury their dead according to the manner by which they died. There were separate burial sites for those who died in child birth, sickness or natural death. That practice, however, is no longer observed at present.

In the afternoon, we hurried to the ( ___) falls which took us another roller coaster ride and an hour trek — one way. The view along the trail was surprisingly beautiful and I thought to myself that while the pictures about it were promising, the real thing was incomparable. This was where my personal journey began. Looking far as I could, I felt so insignificant compared to the vast expanse of space staring at me, to the huge mountains that say “I am mighty.”

Meantime, the trees, hanging on the cliff, found their rightful places under the sky and stayed there without complaints. They were beautiful at such an awkward state. God has placed them just where they should be, not one tree among the millions I saw at that moment seems misplaced. I consoled myself that if God had placed those trees at their special places, so would He find mine. Just a thought that rang louder than it ever did in my head.

We found the falls but the water was so cold. I just lavished the scenery: the waterfall was too lofty that the water broke hard against the rocks as they flowed to somewhere I do not know. There were playful kids with us in that “sacred place,” where one can whisper to the rocks one’s silent anguish or private hopes; where one can relay to the waters the desires that only the heart knows so that the water as it flows can carry whatever secrets it was given. In this way, only the rocks, the moss, the trees could exchange the secrets of a heart that unlocked itself in silence and found communion with nature which will never speak of what it had known. Then the secret will forever be kept safe among themselves.

I opted to walk alone on our way back to the road. Something in me prodded to shun away from the others for a while so I could listen more intently to my heart. I hungered for silence so that every step of the stairway back to the road was a quest for some realization. I looked around the cliffs and the steep mountains and I felt a bit of sting. I felt so misplaced and I envied the trees because unlike them, I still am trying to discern my rightful place in this big wide world. I envied them for the tranquility they offer and the simplicity they exude, while I, I am no longer simple as far as my dreams and ambitions go and I rarely find serenity amidst many concerns.

At such time, I felt to be a wanderer, lost in the world and hopeful to see where I fit. Well, enough of the drama. But I needed it, I must admit. Back to the municipality, we watched the stars at the rooftop. It was a truly romantic evening that awoke the dreamer and the poet in me.

It was a time when my heart was both “still and rumbling” at the same time; wherein there was communion with the “Soul of the World” and solitude as well; wherein I felt happy being with friends and yet at some point I felt so alone. Yes, it was a night of mixed feelings and I, for one, needed to live that moment. Before we finally ended the trip, we stopped by in Baguio where a nice cozy room awaited us for the night.

It was Tuesday afternoon when we finally reached Manila to attend to mountains of a different kind: office files. On our way to Sagada and back, we have seen sights that delighted the heart and I must admit that my dream of travelling had come to life. I was filled with awe and I will happily sigh upon remembering our days there. The mountains were unconquerable, the sky (although we were already in high altitude) remained unreachable, the magnificent stonewalls in the cave could only be touched and memories were the only thing we had ever taken with us back home.

The whole experience in Sagada was like a dream and dreaming always ends with waking up …and so we woke up to reality, which by the way, is also an interesting adventure!

YOU (and I)

You are my Pathfinder

(when my direction takes off course)

my Lighthouse

(amidst sea of troubles)

my Wishing Star

(upon a DREAMy evening)

my warm Embrace

(under a cool shade of security).

You are the Spark in my poetry.

You are my Sponge for tears

my Chat in a lazy afternoon

my Walk in the rain

my laughters’ Echo

my Twin Smile among a crowd of strangers

and I…

I am your greatest admirer

and your number one fan.

Together,

I am the free kite that dances with the wind;

You are the string that keeps me steady.

Thankfulness

Think of the  times  you were at peace. Nothing troubles you. Nothing  disturbs  your heart. Not a single doubt   about your future  in your mind. Just  the silent peace  out  of knowing you  are loved and that Someone’s aware   of what you’ll ever need.

Capture  this moment. You  want to live in  thankfulness. A state of  life that tells you  you are blessed. And  you  should  be thankful  that   while you  don’t have the things    you  want, you  have  what  you’ve got so far.

- You  have  your family  with you  while there are broken relationships somewhere   in this  part of the globe.

- You  breathe  freely  like there’s so much ahead of you  while  others  labor  for a gasp of air. Some are sustained by a ventilator  while others  need intubation every now and then.

- There  are a thousand  out there without   the gift  of sight and you  can just imagine  how eager they  are to see themselves in  a mirror.  They  have not seen the sunset on waters.  They have not seen  what a flower is, or what a bus is.  They can only  create a picture  in their mind about the  things that you tell them.  They can feel   you,  touch  you   or hear  you, but  they  can never see your face or the  glow in your eyes.

Some  people   don’t have  what  you  have. And  you  have to be grateful for these things.

-You  can hear people  in a  conversation while others   try  to read  only  through   gestures,  facial  expressions or lip movements. Some  will never hear the soft spoken “I Love You,”  not  even the nagging of  a cranky neighbor.  Not even when the door slams,  or a screeching  vehicle coming near.   They  can only sense  by intuition  or by  the sight of things.

-  But even  SENSE  sometimes fails   thousands among us  everyday.  Some  people are  numb from  heartaches or loss  or personal tragedy.  A person’s  nerve pathways  simply  shut down and the  transmission of   impulses stops. Then  pathological condition  happens  and the person loses  awareness of  the  fundamental idea of “hot or cold.”

- Some   undergo dialysis   while    your  kidney  still   performs the  normal filtrating process.

-Your  liver  continues to  metabolize fats,  your  glands regulate   your  hormones to a normal  level.  There is  homeostasis ( a state  of internal equilibrium) in your  body.

- You can still  recall   while others have lost  their memories.

Can  you imagine  people  restricted  by physical disabilities? Can  you  imagine  the  number of people  rushed  by the minute to the  hospital because    they   had a heart attack,    a vehicular   accident, internal hemorrhage  or because of episodes  of apnea.   Think of those  who  lost awareness  of themselves   and went into coma, or paranoia, delusion, amnesia  or  schizophrenia?   They  are   those  who have detached    from  reality  because of  depression or because   specific   neurotransmitters  in their brains  suddenly   fluctuate from  normal levels?

-  Imagine  the many  who  are  particular  with time  or  with the   food they take  because   they  are  watching over  their   blood sugar. Ask the diabetics.

-Think  of those  in chemo or those undergoing lifetime  hormonal therapy.   Can you imagine the inconvenience   they have to go through everyday?

-  Imagine  those who,  in the  first place,  were never allowed  to be born because they  have   selfish parents  who were too   coward   to raise their  own children.

-Imagine  your  life devoid of the  single “little “  blessing that  you  have now.   Then tell   me how  you  feel.

-  Yes,   you  are  lacking   while others are   abundant.   You  complain, all right. You  scream in frustration  and  you  sulk in pity   because others are  far more blessed.  These   things  console  you little,  you may say. And  your  sorrow  still multiply.   You grow in envy   because  others   still get the better  part   while  you  are stuck in between the  BEST  and the WORST. There  are things  that   are difficult  to make  sense.   But  this   I know:  that you  can still live in gratitude  for the things  that  you   already  have  and  for THOSE  YOU DON’T  HAVE.

- You  don’t  have a ventilator  hooked to you.  You  don’t  have injections to take.   You  don’t  have medications to  regulate  your   neurotransmitters  because   if they fluctuate   then  you may  have bipolar disorder, Alzheimer’s  and Parkinson’s  diseases to  mention a few.

-  You are a  well   person, equipped  with  useful  skills. You  don’t  have  your life’s partner   and  you  are growing impatient  but   you    are ALIVE   and   every day  is a POSSIBILITY.

-  You   don’t  have  the career  that   you   dream about, the house  that   you’ve been  dreaming of,   or  your  own business that    could make   you feel  fulfilled and competitive. But  you  are  NOT DEAD, are you?

No one is convincing you  to be content. Life is only asking that  you be grateful   despite    the aches in your  heart.

You grieve  for the things  that are not given you  even  when you  feel you really   deserve  them.   How can  we know the   reason why?

No one  is asking you  to love  your failure. But  you  are asked to   continue  believing  that you  deserve more  and  you  can have them,  if not  today, then the next time may be.

This  will not  console much  but these are hard facts of life.   Every  single  day   though, stands  for one thing: that  something  can change! That  your brokenness may soon heal. That you  may   get  the  big breakthrough in your   life. That you  can meet the one  you’ll say “I do.”  That you  can sing  and dance  because you  are well.   That  you  can be happier.

The tide  will turn to your favor. The wind will change  direction. And the rain that  got you  wet and chilling  will give way  to the rainbow. If not today, then in another  time.

Nature tells us  that there are rebirths;  there are  renewals. The day breaks to full light  only to  recede   for  the night  to befall.  The caterpillar crawls  before it   can have wings.   The  turtle creeps slowly  but it  still “ARRIVES.” The birds  have hollow wings   so they  could fly. And  sometimes  our lives need to be  hollow  so  we  could  be light  for  flight. Our  souls need to  embrace  the darkness  because  it makes us desire  to bring  in the light.   Our  hearts   at times need   to ache  so we can appreciate more  the idea of happiness.  And  frustrations    are inevitable so we can see that  we  are misplaced or so  we could see what else we need to  do  to get  to where  we want. Just like the turtle, we too  shall ARRIVE.

Emptiness  tells  us  that we have a large vacant  space  to fill. Our emptiness  tells  us   that we can be “FILLED.“

                           Now breathe. This very simple act   should  tell  you something  important, don’t you  think?

April 25, 2009 at 9:00 am 

LOVING A BOY FROM A DIFFERENT WORLD

                                         I told  him   I love him. Many times.  Over and Over.

                                         All he could  do  was  stare at my direction blankly,

                                                       as  if I wasn’t there at all. 

He has a world of his own  and  seldom   do  our   worlds   merge.  Meet Jacque.  He is  just  one of  the  kids   who need  special  help in   the  Center  for Mental Health  where I work.     Every  child  experiences feelings of   sadness,   anger, suspicion,   excitement, withdrawal   and loneliness, but  what  separates the normal  from a  disorder is  the degree  to which   these feelings  become so  powerful that they  interfere with   the  child’s activities, causing him to suffer.

AUTISM  is  a disorder in  which  a   child   fails to develop  normal social relationship,   uses  language  abnormally or not  at all,   behaves  in compulsive and ritualistic  ways   and may fail to develop normal intelligence.      The cause of autism is    multifactorial  such as genetic   or chromosomal abnormality,  viral agents,   metabolic  disorders, immune intolerance, perinatal  anoxia or  drug intake by mother during  pregnancy.

Symptoms are evident   at the age of two  until three  years  old.   At  two years  old,  a child   should  demonstrate    interest in others, possess an ability to learn from the environment and communicate verbally. 

Jacque  is not     mentally retarded,   although  many   children  who have autism  have  both.   Those with   IQ of less than  50  often  also develop  seizures  before  reaching  adolescence.    

While   symptoms become apparent  at age two,  there  are   observable peculiarities that may    heighten   suspicion  for  autism:     peculiarities  in gaze,  hearing and play.  Children   with autism  shows  lack of interest  in   play  that   requires social interaction.   They may gaze  briefly  and out  of the corner of the eye,  and  since  they  do not respond   to sound  stimuli, they are  first suspected of being  deaf. While they   do not   respond  to loud  noises, they   may  react to certain sounds that  are     fascinating  or    distressing to them.

Jacque  does not  want to be  cuddled  and  avoids  eye  or  facial  expressions to    social  contacts.   The other day,   he   was  upset  for being  separated  from his  parents, but he  does not   turn to  his  parents     for  security  like  other  children   do.   At one time he had tantrums,  he stiffened  when  his   older sister  tried to  hug  him.  I told   her   she  should give  his favorite toy instead  and take him    to a  less stimulating environment in  order to   provide reassurance and comfort.  

Everyday,  I  help Jacque  establish  self-boundaries    by calling  him by name and correcting him  when he addresses himself in the third  person.     I maintain    consistency  by   providing  him  with  his security blanket (attachment  to  inanimate objects), same activities  and  avoiding  demands  that is out of  his  routine.   

Children  with autism   like  consistency and sameness.   Jacque  usually has tantrums,  giggles,  acts as deaf  and fears no danger. At times, he is insensitive to pain;   wants  blocks  not balls; points to anything   and is  resistant to normal teaching methods.

He  is   very  resistant  to    changes.   In fact,  he often repeats   certain acts  such as rocking, hand flapping  and spinning of objects.  At  one time,  he injured himself  by  banging his head and  biting himself.  Anti-psychotic    drugs  such as respiridone     is  given to reduce   self-injurous behavior,  but    there is  a risk  of    movement  disorder (as one of the side effects). 

I  always     encourage  physical contact   with him  although   I know his  tendency  is to push  away.  I tell him  stories  even if  he remains unresponsive.   I   ask  him to paint   and  help  him  learn new skills.  I read him poems because he responds    to rhyme in poetry due to sameness of sound.

About     70  percent of  children with  autism  have  some degree of mental retardation,   an IQ  less than  70.    Their  performance is uneven but they do   better  in motor   and  spatial skills .  Some  children    have    idiosyncratic  or  “splinter” skills  such  as the ability  to     perform   mental  arithmetic  and advanced musical skills.    Jacque has learned to  play  the piano beautifully  when he was  just  4 year old! 

Those  with lower  IQ, meantime, manifest   severe motor  clumsiness. Some  children  also   increase    withdrawal  by    refusing to eat.  Though  they do  not experience  delusions,  hallucinations  or illusions, they may, however,  develop  schizophrenia and  seizures.   

  As with other  children in the Center,    we observe Jacque closely  in the    playroom setting.  Childhood  Autism Rating scale   help  us in the evaluation.    Doctors  also try to   look  for underlying   treatable or  inherited   medical disorders  like   hereditary disorders of metabolism    or   fragile  X  syndrome,  a DNA  abnormality   that leads  to   mental  retardation (besides the famous   Down syndrome).

  For now,  we    subject him   to  behavioral   modification  techniques  and   psychotherapy  to help him  cope   up    with  his   social  difficulties.     Drug therapy   cannot  change the underlying   disorder    but   certain  selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors  (SSRIs)  like  fluoxetine,  paroxetine    and fluovoxamine   are often effective in   reducing   his  ritualistic  behavior.    

Autistic children   are  also given neuroleptics   to control  destructive behavior,   stimulants  (Ritalin)   to  stimulate responsiveness,    and lithium  for  convulsions. Time limits and  verbal reprimands are most often effective  rather than    punishing that may  worsen     self-aggressive    behavior.    When he does  something  worthy of praise,  I usually  give  him tangible  reward than verbal praise. I see  to it to intervene  before   his tantrum  outbursts.

Jacque  is    aware  only of himself so  he   is    engaged in self-stimulated acts and plays alone. But there  are instances, too, when   he advances to parallel  play. Older autistic children in the Center  also  are unable to form  close  personal relationship  and  cannot interpret  the moods   and expressions of others. 

About  50%   of    children  with  autism never learn to  speak.  Jacque though   has learned to speak but in   an unusual way  such as talking in the third  person  and speaking  with   unusual  rhythm   and pitch.   He  fails  to   differentiate  himself   from the  environment  so he  constantly repeats  what  I   say  and   he often  uses    “you”   when referring to    himself. He  finds it  difficult  to process   external stimuli and apparently  needs   help in  feeding, dressing and toileting.

Jacque  will    have  the symptoms  throughout  his life.    The prognosis  is  strongly influenced    by how  much usable   language he will acquire   by  age seven.    However,  those  with  IQ  of 50  would definitely  need full time institutional   care  as adults.

Just  before I left  the Center this morning,  I told him again that I love him.          I  handed him his   favorite  toy — his security blanket –  to reassure  him    of  that love…

even if he does not respond to it.

TO BE HALF-DEAD

                                                                           I loved a boy in my past.

He was 14 when he was hit by a car while trying to follow me home. We were walking as we always do across the park towards the end of the river. It was 6 o’ clock when I saw him trashed to the street as the vehicle screeched for a break.

It was not his fault. He was always careful. He was always mindful. It was just that afternoon that he did not think too seriously. It was just one afternoon that a group of college brats suddenly appeared from nowhere. They were car racing and that boy’s life stopped.

He has been dead for years. I have lost his smile, his laughter, his silly look. It’s been four long years since I heard him whisper secrets to me, since I heard him scream my name from the rooftop of our high school building. I’ve lost a beautiful part of me when I saw him filled with blood as he was pulled from the street and rushed to the hospital. I was there when he was hooked to a ventilator, when the doctors pushed some volts on his chest to revive him. Later did I realize it was called defibrillation.

It’s been years and I still love that boy.

He’s not dead dead though. His in comatose. Almost gone. I can still feel him, his warm face, his beating heart, his breath. I still talk to him; tell him stories about my escapades and my suitors; share him my dreams. I still wait for his advice on what to do with my life, on how to trust another guy. I still await to hear his voice whisper my name or just for him to look at me once again… or one more time.

The doctors could not assure if he will wake up. They could only say it is possible. They explained that recovery is likely if the cause is overdose of sedative; complete recovery is possible if the cause is low blood sugar that lasted for an hour. If it is head injury, substantial recovery may occur even if the coma lasts several weeks but not if it lasts more than three months. However, if the cause is cardiac arrest or oxygen deprivation, full recovery rarely occurs if after 1 week, the person is still unable to move his limbs.

They said that COMA is a state of unresponsiveness that a person cannot be aroused, even with vigorous repeated attempts. Under normal conditions, the brain can quickly adjust its own levels of activity and consciousness because deep within the brainstem are nerve cells and fibers controlling consciousness and arousal levels (the reticular activating system). The brain makes adjustments based on inputs from eyes, ears, skin and other sensory organs.

Impairment results when the nerve fibers connecting the brain and the sensory organ malfunction, when blood flow to the brain decreases or when toxic substances damage the brain. Levels of impaired consciousness can range from reduced alertness (obtundation) to stupor (hypersomia) and to coma (complete unresponsiveness). People in the deepest stages of coma need a ventilator because the brain cannot perform essential body functions, including maintenance of breathing.

Head injury directly damaged the area of his brainstem that controls consciousness levels. Antiarrythmic drugs (Adenosin or Nutaphake, Amiodarone HCL or Cordarone, Lidocaine and Phenytoin) are given to keep his heart beating normally. Although, the doctors explained that sometimes, bleeding in and around the brain (hemorrhage), hematoma (accumulation of blood), tumor or pus, can directly damage the area of the brainstem as they place pressure at the site.

My own research led me to understand that apart from vehicular accidents, neurologic (cardiac arrest, aneurysm, infection, severe lung disorder, seizures), toxicologic ( alcohol intoxication, drug overdose), and metabolic causes (hypothryroidism, liver encepalopathy, kidney failure, extremes in temperature, hypernatremia, hyponatremia, hyperglycemia and hypoglycemia) can also lead to stupor or coma.

Doctors look for signs of brain damage such as Cheyne-Stokes respiration (periodic breathing from rapid to slow to none for seconds); unusual postures such as DECEREBRATE rigidity (head titled back, arms and leg extended, hands flexed, arms pronated, extended and adducted, feet plantar flexed) and DECORTICATE rigidity (plantar flexion, lower extremity internal rotation, adduction and flexion of upper extremities. arms flexion). When there is widespread loss of activity in all parts of the CNS, however, there is usually a GENERAL LIMPNESS.

Through the years, I have tried to understand what he is into. A year from now, I will be in medical school because I have a lot of questions that need answers. I need to know the possibilities.

Yesterday, I talked to my uncle who is a physician and he explained to me something about Persistent vegetative state, wherein a person is awake but devoid of conscious content. It results after severe brain damage when the cerebrum (containing thought and behavior) is destroyed, but the thalamus and brainstem (controlling sleep cycles, body temperature, breathing and heart rate) are spared.

In this state, a person can still open his eyes, relatively have normal sleep and wake patterns, breathe and swallow spontaneously, and may even show a startled reaction to loud noises. However, he lacks all capacity for conscious thought and behavior and he would only manifest reflex responses like jerking and stiffening. If it persists for months, recovery is unlikely.

Some people, though, are in the locked-in state, a condition wherein they think, but are so severely paralyzed that can only respond by opening and closing their eyes. They are conscious and the brainstem is affected but not the cerebrum.

According to him, Brain death is the most severe form of unconsciousness because the brain has permanently lost the ability to perform all vital functions. The person is legally dead, while the heart continues to beat. A person is said to be brain dead if he is unresponsive to painful sensation, not reactive to light, unable to breathe without assistance. Pronouncement of brain death should be made only after medical problems are corrected and EEG is done to confirm absence of brain waves and Doppler ultrasonography to determine absence of blood flow to the brain.

I guess, there is a part of my life that will never be bridged.

Sometimes, I already want to give up. My life has been half-dead, too, the day he met an accident. I have no memories of him since the day they brought him to the hospital, except that he’s lying in deep sleep. He will always be a boy in my past because, in my mind, he never grew up to be a man. I have been trying to understand how a “dead” boy can be revived, how I can pull him from that sleep and show him a world outside his bed.

I will pursue neurosurgery after I finish medical school because I need answers that will help me cope, hope or finally let go. I have my life, too, you see. I was not hit by a car 5 years ago, but that same day I became half-dead as he is right now because I loved him. Something in me also died that day. And just as I have been trying to wake him up, I must also revive myself.

But he hasn’t waken up. And I couldn’t reach to where he is. We have grown up and through the years, I’ve kept myself near him. This boy in my past doesn’t know me anymore.

And he does not love me, of course.
How could he?
HE NOW EXISTS SOMEWHERE I COULD NEVER BE.

DATE  WRITTEN: JAN 20, 2008

"GOGGLING FAITH"

PRAYER IS POWER

Some people come to “stretch” us. Some events happen to pound us. Like a metal we stretch with the pounding. Then we get into the fire to melt and mellow,  only to bear the pounding again. Sometimes life cools down. Only to repeat the whole cycle. Only for us  to be made into the fine form we are meant to become. Here  is a prayer we can all share.

Dear God,

…don’t make me feel so bad that I should hate my life. Don’t stretch me so much,  I might grow weary and turn into a thin weak sheet. Don’t pound me too long, I might break already. Don’t immerse me to too much fire,  I might realize the dark element in me and burn in anger. Don’t make me wait too long,  I might grow restless and ungrateful. Don’t make me dream too far,  I might wander off and get lost. And please, do not dishearten me with too many of life’s complexities, I might rebel.

Please do not take me so high, I might forget the solid ground and choke with air. Don’t give me too much success, I might burst with unnecessary pride. Guard my emotions so I will not expect too much,  nor  feel so un-favored and brokenly unable to mend. Save me from my own harsh criticism, that I may see my own beautiful reflection. Spare me from too much pain,  that I might become bitter and forget that I am just as special as the others. Teach me to refine my values, and never surrender my self-respect just to compromise.  Help me bend when I need to bend. Straighten  me whenever I feel low and small.Strengthen my will and rekindle my faith, that I may reach out to the heavens when it is hardest to pray.                                                                  

Guide me in loving and teach me to love back. Help me keep my emotions on  the right track and clarify my visions, that I may walk the path I always desire to tread. The good path. The better path. The only path I know  could get to You. So grant me, I pray, a hand that helps, a heart that loves, a mind that envisions, and a chance to do what I am supposed to do.

Forgive me when I wane in faith, when the fire in me loses its valiant sparks, when I become disturbed  and annoyed by the threats and hurdles that keep on growing.  Comfort me when I dream too much and get frustrated and unworthy. Allow  me to accomplish whatever good that is in my heart so I can have that inner peace of doing  something beyond  myself. And please tell the world not to dampen spirits of people like me  who go  after their dreams. Guide me out of the tunnel of self-doom and rescue me when I lose hope. And teach my heart to persevere even when the world turns unfriendly and disappointing.

Forgive me for the darkness in my soul, for my cynicism, for my stubbornness and even for my skepticism. Forgive me for my wanderings that take me off the road. Protect me from my fears, from getting drowned in self-pity and even in too much hope in something that’s too far off. Forgive me for my  insecurities and incapacities. And talk to me please because I need you. I need you because I love you. And I love you because that‘s what I’m here for.

Make me brave when I am afraid, when I get frustrated,  rejected or isolated. Help me to be kind even when my own pains teach me to be selfish and bitter. Encourage me to fight fairly knowing that You will also fight for me when the world beats me unjustly. Teach make to stand up for myself when I am battered and injured. And heal me of my wounded scars and enliven my spirit to continue forward even when the climb is steep or the road is wearing me off. Help me when I am helpless, heal me when I am beaten, inspire me to do good. Intervene in my life events that I may not feel abandoned and unloved. And love me please sometimes in the way I could also  recognize it. Your ways are mysterious God  but help me connect.

Please don’t hide too long or let me wander too far, I might get tired looking. Allow me the chance to live my dreams and “get there” so that every pain or sorrow or hardship or disappointment could make sense to me. Allow me to find my own footprints that I may be happy. Help me find my own “place” that I may feel complete. Dearest God, help me push my boundaries that I may strive to always become better. Surround me with people who will make a better person out of me. And inspire me to pray and please  teach me how, that I may always reach out to you… be it in joy or in despair.        

"COMMUTERS"

DATE  WRITTEN: jUly 17, 2008