The Worst Feeling

(May 7, 2007)

What   is  the  worst feeling     while in   a  relationship? Is  it  the fear  of losing    that  one  person   you    desire   to spend  the  rest  of  your life  with.  Is  it the sudden    pang   of  betrayal   committed  against  your   trusting  heart.  Or   is it the gloomy, almost  deathlike, feeling   that   either  of you  is  aware  that something  is  about  to end  and  the   once seemingly  inexhaustible  romance  has lost   its fire. Lovers, with love undone, have    all sorts of battling emotions that eventually   leads to letting go. 

The   worst feeling    in being  in a relationship  is not  the   deep longing    to be   with    someone   when he’s  out  of sight;    in that  it almost  tears  you  apart  awaiting  the day of his return.  It  is not   the   hunger    for his presence that  makes  you   want  to cross miles   just  to be  with him    because the days      grow too long  while    your patience shortens.  Why  not? It is because you  know  that   somewhere   someone  in the dead of   night  is  also  thinking  of  you and  while  he’s too far  to  send     kisses   to your  lips,    you know  you have  his  heart.  You are secured  on the thought  that  you  belong   to each other  despite  the  distance and  the circumstances  between  you.   You glance   upon  the   heavens and   you   watch  every  star flicker  its  light   and  you  know that  that person is  under   that same  sky  you  are looking   at.  The moon, the  sudden  streak  of  light  cast    by    a falling     comet   become    meaningful  because you  know   he, too, feels  that  deep  longing  to be with you.

What is  worst — almost    like  a sting and  almost like a  cut –  is    being  with  someone   pretending  that   he cares  while  is thoughts   are with  someone else. It  is   holding  his   hands and  knowing   that  the  fire  of passion    is  almost  faint  that  it  doesn’t  move  him    to caress you   as before.  It is looking  into   his  eyes and not seeing    forever  because   while  he   is standing  right in  front  of you,  with your    breaths  almost  like  a kiss,  he’s  drawn   somewhere   into a  remote  place in his heart dreaming of someone  else. And when you try  to     stare  into  his   eyes,  he struggles   to give  you   what  you  want  to see   but  fails.  Because   one cannot  betray  his own  heart.  And  you beat  your  chest  that’s  almost  crushed trying  to summon     your    courage  to    stand  strong despite the look  of indifference from him.  This is the  worst  feeling –    to be  with someone    you love and  feel  alone…  to be  enveloped  in his arms  that  no longer feels  home…   to  see     a man  beside  you  and feel  total  strangers.  And  no matter  how    close  you  are   that you  can touch him,  feel him,  whisper  to him  all  your thoughts,  he’s  lost  somewhere  in his  own thoughts of being   with another.  It is  as if  there is  an  exhaustible    horizon that   separates  you…  and  you  want  to cross the  ocean  just  to  catch  up with him.  It’s  as if  there  are mountains      between  you   which  make it   even  difficult  to get  to his very  soul.

Then  you  want to  raise  your   voice    to  complain  about  this   tormenting indifference but  your  voice  gets stifled   and you  can only   shed    painful  tears. It is a  feeling  that   is overwhelming  and it drains  your  heart.   Because  while   he    does  not  hurt   you intentionally,  you know  that  you  have lost     his love  and you   two are trapped  in a  relationship   that  neither of you  is  completely  happy. He  looks away  towards  the direction    unknown  to you   while  you    summon   your   bravado  just    so can look  at him  straight   while you  say    goodbye.   You  just want  to let  go  because while   you love him,    you also  desire  to be loved back –  enough. You, too,   want  to be loved by  a man  who’s  willing  to   spend his time  thinking about  you,   who  wants to look at your  face  and never gets  tired  and soured,  who  can make  you feel   you have  nothing  else to  go   but  in  his arms  because it is where  home is.

This  for me sums up the  worst feeling –  to feel   alone and abandoned   despite    being together, the feeling  of   not being  right  where  you  should be.  Then  the sad and confusing  feeling  that something,  or   should I say, someone is misplaced  sinks  into  your troubled  heart.  It  makes  you  wonder  what  the    hell    are  you still    together  while he pretends   to care  when   he  can  only    pity you  for still  clinging  on  to a relationship  that has  lost the fire  of romance.  Or perhaps, he is  simply   waiting  for     an appropriate     timing to  tell  you   exactly   what    you  already  know.

Relationship-turned-sour   always  creates   a scar.  The  memories  become difficult    to  ignore  because  they made  you happy, too, despite  the  inevitable  feeling of loss.