Home » Archives » May 2007
DIET
May 16, 2007
I am on a special diet. I am taking a one-meal-a-day policy, which is self-prescribed, of course. It’s just that lately I noticed that my clothes have all shrunk! Well, that’s a more subtle way of announcing that I am gaining some flesh by the minute and my weight is really bugging me down. Really.
So I had this idea of controlling my appetite in order to (how would I say this?) regain my LOST GLORY of being fit and slim. That’s an exaggeration, but what the heck, I like it said that way. I’m 51 kilos and I am targeting to shed 3-kilos before January next year. Is that possible? I wouldn’t have any idea but if this diet works, then I am far more comfortable with my self-proclaimed fit body.
Seriously, I just want to be able to wear the clothes that I like without being conscious of the bulges around my love handles. Now my wardrobes are all tidy kept because I can no longer wear them. Imagine the disaster of having bought them only to gather dust! Just imagine how much money I spent for those clothes and yet not being able to enjoy wearing them. (It’s tragic, I tell you!)
So I am making a vow to take on the challenge and forget about foods. (Whhaaat!!????) Anyway, for as long as I am satisfied with the one meal that I would have for the day, I wouldn’t think about it until the next morning comes. That is why, today just as the other days, I dined at a fairly nice restaurant and ordered the most delectable meal. And whollah! My taste buds were perfectly satiated, my stomach filled, my cells nourished and I was completely content.
It will take a while before I actually get to my desired weight and my well, a more toned figure, but everything will go as planned. Before I realize it, I can take off my large size clothes and unearth my wealth of wardrobes bored already as they remain piled up in the closet. No matter how long it takes, something will eventually change and my nearly-obese stature will soon shed off like fats melting away under the heat of the sun. This is what you call optimism. Hmmmmm…
– wrote this a year ago and can’t help but take pride in my accomplishment. (Mission accomplished!)
The Worst Feeling
(May 7, 2007)
What is the worst feeling while in a relationship? Is it the fear of losing that one person you desire to spend the rest of your life with. Is it the sudden pang of betrayal committed against your trusting heart. Or is it the gloomy, almost deathlike, feeling that either of you is aware that something is about to end and the once seemingly inexhaustible romance has lost its fire. Lovers, with love undone, have all sorts of battling emotions that eventually leads to letting go.
The worst feeling in being in a relationship is not the deep longing to be with someone when he’s out of sight; in that it almost tears you apart awaiting the day of his return. It is not the hunger for his presence that makes you want to cross miles just to be with him because the days grow too long while your patience shortens. Why not? It is because you know that somewhere someone in the dead of night is also thinking of you and while he’s too far to send kisses to your lips, you know you have his heart. You are secured on the thought that you belong to each other despite the distance and the circumstances between you. You glance upon the heavens and you watch every star flicker its light and you know that that person is under that same sky you are looking at. The moon, the sudden streak of light cast by a falling comet become meaningful because you know he, too, feels that deep longing to be with you.
What is worst — almost like a sting and almost like a cut – is being with someone pretending that he cares while is thoughts are with someone else. It is holding his hands and knowing that the fire of passion is almost faint that it doesn’t move him to caress you as before. It is looking into his eyes and not seeing forever because while he is standing right in front of you, with your breaths almost like a kiss, he’s drawn somewhere into a remote place in his heart dreaming of someone else. And when you try to stare into his eyes, he struggles to give you what you want to see but fails. Because one cannot betray his own heart. And you beat your chest that’s almost crushed trying to summon your courage to stand strong despite the look of indifference from him. This is the worst feeling – to be with someone you love and feel alone… to be enveloped in his arms that no longer feels home… to see a man beside you and feel total strangers. And no matter how close you are that you can touch him, feel him, whisper to him all your thoughts, he’s lost somewhere in his own thoughts of being with another. It is as if there is an exhaustible horizon that separates you… and you want to cross the ocean just to catch up with him. It’s as if there are mountains between you which make it even difficult to get to his very soul.
Then you want to raise your voice to complain about this tormenting indifference but your voice gets stifled and you can only shed painful tears. It is a feeling that is overwhelming and it drains your heart. Because while he does not hurt you intentionally, you know that you have lost his love and you two are trapped in a relationship that neither of you is completely happy. He looks away towards the direction unknown to you while you summon your bravado just so can look at him straight while you say goodbye. You just want to let go because while you love him, you also desire to be loved back – enough. You, too, want to be loved by a man who’s willing to spend his time thinking about you, who wants to look at your face and never gets tired and soured, who can make you feel you have nothing else to go but in his arms because it is where home is.
This for me sums up the worst feeling – to feel alone and abandoned despite being together, the feeling of not being right where you should be. Then the sad and confusing feeling that something, or should I say, someone is misplaced sinks into your troubled heart. It makes you wonder what the hell are you still together while he pretends to care when he can only pity you for still clinging on to a relationship that has lost the fire of romance. Or perhaps, he is simply waiting for an appropriate timing to tell you exactly what you already know.
Relationship-turned-sour always creates a scar. The memories become difficult to ignore because they made you happy, too, despite the inevitable feeling of loss.